all
of
the
time
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
343 am
it's very early in the morning (or late in the evening) and there's a few things i feel i need to say.
first off, i need to apologize.
i need to apologize to the environment/earth. i'm sorry for littering constantly and driving around excessively when i could easily walk to my destinations. i am a fair contributor to global warming.
i need to apologize to my parents. i'm sorry for being a snappy stuck up bitch most of the time. i feel i don't deserve what i've been through in the past years, yet i know that i shouldn't treat you the way i do sometimes. i've learned that i need to treat people the way i want to be treated. i love you both.
i need to apologize to my lungs. i'm sorry for filling you with carsinogenic smoke. my athleticism has not been fully tarnished, but i can certainly feel the affects. i promise i will quit.
i need to apologize to my teachers. i'm sorry i miss so many classes for unneccessary reasons. and yes mrs. hawkes, this includes you too. though it is a little late in the year (11 days of school left late) i will attend every single one of my classes.
and finally i need to apologize to myself. not so much apologize, but promise myself a few things. i'm going to find that once prominent motivation i had and utilize it to my full advantage. i'm also no longer dreading the future. the once dark and deceiving force is now almost exciting to think about. i'm no longer expecting things, but more letting them happen with ease. i no longer crave the curiosity of death and what it brings, becasue i know there is so much to live for. those long lonely nights spent in sadness are no longer exsistent, because lonliness is only another form of peace. peace of mind, peace of body, peace of heart. and with everything i've been through, it's helped me to become the person i am today. strong, independant, and motivated.
keep it real.
jodie.
first off, i need to apologize.
i need to apologize to the environment/earth. i'm sorry for littering constantly and driving around excessively when i could easily walk to my destinations. i am a fair contributor to global warming.
i need to apologize to my parents. i'm sorry for being a snappy stuck up bitch most of the time. i feel i don't deserve what i've been through in the past years, yet i know that i shouldn't treat you the way i do sometimes. i've learned that i need to treat people the way i want to be treated. i love you both.
i need to apologize to my lungs. i'm sorry for filling you with carsinogenic smoke. my athleticism has not been fully tarnished, but i can certainly feel the affects. i promise i will quit.
i need to apologize to my teachers. i'm sorry i miss so many classes for unneccessary reasons. and yes mrs. hawkes, this includes you too. though it is a little late in the year (11 days of school left late) i will attend every single one of my classes.
and finally i need to apologize to myself. not so much apologize, but promise myself a few things. i'm going to find that once prominent motivation i had and utilize it to my full advantage. i'm also no longer dreading the future. the once dark and deceiving force is now almost exciting to think about. i'm no longer expecting things, but more letting them happen with ease. i no longer crave the curiosity of death and what it brings, becasue i know there is so much to live for. those long lonely nights spent in sadness are no longer exsistent, because lonliness is only another form of peace. peace of mind, peace of body, peace of heart. and with everything i've been through, it's helped me to become the person i am today. strong, independant, and motivated.
keep it real.
jodie.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Time
is the leveler I suppose.
In time, everything will assume it's proper proportions.
There isn't any vengeance to be had. No righteous anger.
Just this stupid I can't breathe feeling.
This invisible elephant sitting on my chest.
That said, my cup is still half empty.
In time, everything will assume it's proper proportions.
There isn't any vengeance to be had. No righteous anger.
Just this stupid I can't breathe feeling.
This invisible elephant sitting on my chest.
That said, my cup is still half empty.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Ignore the very bad numbering, but this is my favourite quiz.
1. Where would you most like to live?
I really really want to go to Brazil at one point. Or Germany.
2. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Talking my own mother out of committing suicide.
And then, in more general terms, being cold and having wet feet.
3. Who are your favorite writers?
Alice Sebold, J.K. Rowling, and Lois Lowry.
4. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Hmm, no comment really.
5. What is your most treasured possession?
My family and best friends. And my Pentax camera has a soft spot in my heart as well. Other than that, I have a back scratcher that I got when I was 5 and has done me very well since.
6. What are your favorite names?
I love the name Austin. And Brookes. And Charley (for a girl).
7. What is one selfish thing you would like to do before you die?
Shut my family out of my life. Yet it wouldn't be possible what-so-ever.
14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"O herro". I'm sure the asian impersonation died years ago after Team America came out. I also have the tendancy to say "ty" instead of thank you.
15.What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Astronomy and math. It's what makes me happiest because I know I'm good at it.
16. When and where were you happiest?
I try to work it in wherever possible. I’m generally pretty content, barring some ranting.
I confess that I sometimes find it easier to be happier in abstract. I look back on past memories and find happiness there. But in most cases, I prefer my warm bed on a Sunday afternoon.
17. Which talent would you most like to have?
I would love to be able to sing. Well, I have taken singing lessons for a number of years, but I'd like to be able to have a voice like Dido or Beyonce, maybe even Christina Agruliera.
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would maintain my motivation better in the face of adversity. In other words, get off my lazy ass and make things happen.
19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Math. Overcoming (or some-what overcoming) my disfunctional, over-sized family.
20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
I’d like to be an esteemed cat. Or some sort of bird. A bear could also be a definite choice (because the solitude in a beautiful forest sounds lovely).
7. What is your current state of mind?
I’m a little let down to find out it’s Sunday night and I have to be at school in a few short hours. I'm feeling lighter as the medication slowly starts to show its full benefits. But as the days wear on, my lack of sleep is not helping one bit.
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Everything in moderation. Especially moderation.
People who bang on about their virtues generally aren’t as virtuous as they’d like to think.
9. On what occasion do you lie?
If anything, I lie to myself more than anyone. And these occasions aren't rare either. Generally speaking, if I don't want to believe it, I'll tell myself different.
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I think I try to hard. But really I try to look nice and presentable. I CANNOT stand my eyebrows. They can burn in a fiery pit along with celery.
11. Which living person do you most despise?
I'm not a hateful person and I do not hold grudges. But some people just aren't my cup of tea.
12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Intellect and humour. Nice smile. Nice eyes. But when a guy treats his mother well, it's a huge turn on.
13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Wit and humor. I like to think of myself as a funny person and I try to surround myself with those kinds of people.
. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I’m not sure that is a practical concept. With the sweet, so comes the sour, or life would turn into a flat line, surely. But as far as my fantasy of "perfect happiness", I would think that I would fall passionately and madly in love with the perfect man, while I become the valedictorian of my school and grow into myself gracefully.
2. What is your greatest fear?
Losing my mother. Losing my father. Losing people close to me. I can't help but think that once I'm alone, or feel alone, that no one will ever think to call me when a thunderstorm comes rolling into town.
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Giving up if excellence isn’t immediate. My insecurity. My inability to keep promises to myself.
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
The inability to spell definitely correctly. Ignorance.
5. Which living person do you most admire?
In some aspects my mother. People I know, who are dealing with life in the best way they know how.
I really really want to go to Brazil at one point. Or Germany.
2. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Talking my own mother out of committing suicide.
And then, in more general terms, being cold and having wet feet.
3. Who are your favorite writers?
Alice Sebold, J.K. Rowling, and Lois Lowry.
4. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
Hmm, no comment really.
5. What is your most treasured possession?
My family and best friends. And my Pentax camera has a soft spot in my heart as well. Other than that, I have a back scratcher that I got when I was 5 and has done me very well since.
6. What are your favorite names?
I love the name Austin. And Brookes. And Charley (for a girl).
7. What is one selfish thing you would like to do before you die?
Shut my family out of my life. Yet it wouldn't be possible what-so-ever.
14.Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"O herro". I'm sure the asian impersonation died years ago after Team America came out. I also have the tendancy to say "ty" instead of thank you.
15.What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Astronomy and math. It's what makes me happiest because I know I'm good at it.
16. When and where were you happiest?
I try to work it in wherever possible. I’m generally pretty content, barring some ranting.
I confess that I sometimes find it easier to be happier in abstract. I look back on past memories and find happiness there. But in most cases, I prefer my warm bed on a Sunday afternoon.
17. Which talent would you most like to have?
I would love to be able to sing. Well, I have taken singing lessons for a number of years, but I'd like to be able to have a voice like Dido or Beyonce, maybe even Christina Agruliera.
18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I would maintain my motivation better in the face of adversity. In other words, get off my lazy ass and make things happen.
19. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Math. Overcoming (or some-what overcoming) my disfunctional, over-sized family.
20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
I’d like to be an esteemed cat. Or some sort of bird. A bear could also be a definite choice (because the solitude in a beautiful forest sounds lovely).
7. What is your current state of mind?
I’m a little let down to find out it’s Sunday night and I have to be at school in a few short hours. I'm feeling lighter as the medication slowly starts to show its full benefits. But as the days wear on, my lack of sleep is not helping one bit.
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Everything in moderation. Especially moderation.
People who bang on about their virtues generally aren’t as virtuous as they’d like to think.
9. On what occasion do you lie?
If anything, I lie to myself more than anyone. And these occasions aren't rare either. Generally speaking, if I don't want to believe it, I'll tell myself different.
10. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I think I try to hard. But really I try to look nice and presentable. I CANNOT stand my eyebrows. They can burn in a fiery pit along with celery.
11. Which living person do you most despise?
I'm not a hateful person and I do not hold grudges. But some people just aren't my cup of tea.
12. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Intellect and humour. Nice smile. Nice eyes. But when a guy treats his mother well, it's a huge turn on.
13. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Wit and humor. I like to think of myself as a funny person and I try to surround myself with those kinds of people.
. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
I’m not sure that is a practical concept. With the sweet, so comes the sour, or life would turn into a flat line, surely. But as far as my fantasy of "perfect happiness", I would think that I would fall passionately and madly in love with the perfect man, while I become the valedictorian of my school and grow into myself gracefully.
2. What is your greatest fear?
Losing my mother. Losing my father. Losing people close to me. I can't help but think that once I'm alone, or feel alone, that no one will ever think to call me when a thunderstorm comes rolling into town.
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Giving up if excellence isn’t immediate. My insecurity. My inability to keep promises to myself.
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
The inability to spell definitely correctly. Ignorance.
5. Which living person do you most admire?
In some aspects my mother. People I know, who are dealing with life in the best way they know how.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
i'm going to disappear and study this for the rest of my life
http://img19.imageshack.us/img19/2706/spaceb.jpg
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
I'm going to explain my weekend to you, oh internet blog. This weekend was actually supposed to be one of the best of my life.
So it all starts off with me getting a ticket for rolling a stop sign. Oh well, not a big deal, I just have to ACTUALLY get a job now. But my parents were leaving this weekend so David and I would have the house to ourselves. We decided to have a small gathering with drinking and card games, and for once I decided to drink. So I end up getting completely smashed and get in the car with a very very very hammered driver. Don't ask me why, because I couldn't tell you. I'll just have you know I wanted to get out and tried to stop him from driving. I ended up kicking him out of his seat and driving us home. I stole his keys and hid in my house. Meanwhile everyone back at my house was freaking out about the whole situation. So of course me, being a huge idiot, decided to lock myself in the bathroom to have some alone time. This caused chaos and my parents were called and my Mom came over. I decided to run away and hide at Jordy's house. This got me nowhere, because in about an hour my Mom called me threatening to kill herself. I had to talk to my mom for about an hour before she calmed down and told me where she was and that she would come pick me up. So the next day my mom wakes up and goes to her lawyer's office and talk to her. She tells me that I'm no longer allowed to live at my Dad's house because he left me home alone for the weekend with a 17 year old boy AND I don't have my own room, just the basement with curtains. I'm also apparently not allowed to live with my Mother either because she is emotionally unstable and threatens to take her life. So we decide to go to the Cochrane Mental Health clinic in order to sort some things out. But of course, on the way there my mom's car dies. So we have to walk all the way there and all the way back. So here I am, sitting on my best friend's living room floor unsure of where I will be living for the next few weeks until shit is sorted out.
MY LIFE IS A TRAIN WRECK RIGHT NOW
So it all starts off with me getting a ticket for rolling a stop sign. Oh well, not a big deal, I just have to ACTUALLY get a job now. But my parents were leaving this weekend so David and I would have the house to ourselves. We decided to have a small gathering with drinking and card games, and for once I decided to drink. So I end up getting completely smashed and get in the car with a very very very hammered driver. Don't ask me why, because I couldn't tell you. I'll just have you know I wanted to get out and tried to stop him from driving. I ended up kicking him out of his seat and driving us home. I stole his keys and hid in my house. Meanwhile everyone back at my house was freaking out about the whole situation. So of course me, being a huge idiot, decided to lock myself in the bathroom to have some alone time. This caused chaos and my parents were called and my Mom came over. I decided to run away and hide at Jordy's house. This got me nowhere, because in about an hour my Mom called me threatening to kill herself. I had to talk to my mom for about an hour before she calmed down and told me where she was and that she would come pick me up. So the next day my mom wakes up and goes to her lawyer's office and talk to her. She tells me that I'm no longer allowed to live at my Dad's house because he left me home alone for the weekend with a 17 year old boy AND I don't have my own room, just the basement with curtains. I'm also apparently not allowed to live with my Mother either because she is emotionally unstable and threatens to take her life. So we decide to go to the Cochrane Mental Health clinic in order to sort some things out. But of course, on the way there my mom's car dies. So we have to walk all the way there and all the way back. So here I am, sitting on my best friend's living room floor unsure of where I will be living for the next few weeks until shit is sorted out.
MY LIFE IS A TRAIN WRECK RIGHT NOW
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
beneath the balcony
And how he prays to find a man to blame
For every sleepless night he spends
And for every well that he warned me of
But wound up falling in
And then for the kids beneath the balcony
Who disregard the rain
To make sure the king won't grant
The dead man one more day
For every sleepless night he spends
And for every well that he warned me of
But wound up falling in
And then for the kids beneath the balcony
Who disregard the rain
To make sure the king won't grant
The dead man one more day
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