WOW.

I am in love, and it's never felt so perfect before.

I miss the old me

I am trying to find some self-worth. Please, be patient.

crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit

if i fall, if i die, know i lived it to the fullest
if i fall, if i die, know i lived missing bullets

i'll be fine once i get it.

tell me what you know about dreaming. TELL ME.
you don't really know about nothing.
TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT DREAMS.

you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow,
rather lay awake in the bed full of sorrow.

i'm on the pursuit of happiness, and i know everything that shine isn't always going to be gold.
i'll be fine once i get it, i'll be good.

i'll be good.

Can love slowly yet surely grow into resentment? Not necessarily love, but the things that we do for love. Say, for example, you are helping your mother through a very rough transition of different medical drugs; slowly eliminating one and starting an entirely new one. Now, in my personal opinion, I think people who have been through more life-altering events know the deeper and more meaningful side of love and relationships than others. Yet, when your mother is balling on her bathroom floor while you're there to clean up her bloody mess after she clawed herself to mere bone; it can cause one to wonder if this is what relation and heredity will subdue you to. I do not want to resent my mother, but I also do not want to grow up aspiring to be the exact opposite of her either. Did I miss the one way ticket to normalcy? Because in all honesty, on the outskirts of my large stew of love brews a terrible new being yet waiting to be unleashed.

uncertainly uneasy

read

Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Swiftly go the days.
Sunrise, sunset.
You wake up, then you undress.
It always is the same.
a sunrise and the sun sets.
You’re lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.
a sunrise and the sun sets you realize
then you forget what you’ve been trying to retain.
But everybody knows it’s all about the things
that get stuck inside of your head,
like the songs your roommate sings
a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed.
and she raised her hands in the air asked you,
When was the last time you looked in the mirror?
cause you have changed.
Yeah, you have changed.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
You are hopeful and then you regret.
The circle never breaks.
With a sunrise and a sunset there’s a change of heart or address.
Is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You’re manic or you’re depressed.
Will you ever feel ok?
for a sunrise or sunset, your lover is an actress.
Did you really think she’d stay?
For a sunrise or sunset.
You’re either coming or you just left but you’re always on the way.
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet.
They are really just the same.
To the sunrise and the sunset.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It’s a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There’s no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.
But everything you do is leading to the point
where you just won’t know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it’s true, the trick is complete.
become everything you said that you never would be.
You’re a fool! You’re a fool!
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
The sunrise and the sun sets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Go home to your apartment
put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play.
Sunrise, sunset.
Where are you Arienette?
Where are you Arienette?

I attempted to do the recycling today and all I got was a face full of empty cat food tins courtesy of the wind.

How can someone so inconsistent mess up so consistently

bad trip

We're at the ranch. It's Halloween outside tonight. The tree is a tarantula. I can't stop laughing. Andrew comes to get me. We go to Shell. The candy is too bright. The man's eyes are moving. I go pee. We go back to the ranch, Andrew leaves. The asian song is playing. "Let's go to Tyson's!". The leaves are horses prancing around. Driving is like a video game. I'm going 60 degrees, more music, less heat, more heat, more music, what gear am I in?, where are we?, I'm going 60 degrees, less heat, less music. I can't brush my hair, it's too hard. I feel fat. I'm not pretty. Megan's hair is soft. Too much stuff. I get out of the car. Walking is hard. Too many people. I see Ashley. "Let's go inside!". Too many people. I need to pee. The bathroom is breathing. I can't pee. I look gross, I'm fat. Stumble out of the bathroom. Joel Warner, I only need Joel Warner. I can't find my shoes. I stumble to my car. I crawl in. I can't get up there's too much stuff. I want to go back inside Tyson's. Megan doesn't. Brittney comes. Too many people. I need a drink of water. I am being sucked into my cup of water. I walk around and see Karl Bauer. I hug Shawn Dodd. I fall on the couch. I stumble outside. I go and see Colby in his red truck. I talk to Brandon Paron, Kaiden, and meet a boy named Trevor French. All the while I am getting more and more fucked up. I start getting disfunctional. I can't speak. I back away and sit by the fence. Megan comes out and hugs me. We go and sit in my car. I sit in the passenger seat and I'm waay too fucked to move. Megan sits on top of me. I can't stop laughing. I phone Mitch. I start crying. I don't know why I'm crying. Why am I crying? Why are there so many why's? Megan comes outside with me. Am I still dating Chris? Who is Brendan Toft? Who is Montana? Why am I crying? I sit down. I get up. I go back to my car. Andrew appears out of nowhere and is sitting in my car. I am crying. I need Kleenex. Where is the fucking kleenex? I start puking. Dylan and Colby watch me puke. Colby and Dylan try to help. I can't remember taking the mushrooms. What is going on? I'm bawling. I'm being a bitch. I can't stop crying. I can't stop puking. Ryan calls me. I am crying. I don't know what's going on. Why doesn't Paige call me? Why is Andrew being such a dick? Why is Megan being so mean? I don't want Brittney here. Where is the fucking Kleenex? What is school. I'm bad at school. I don't have a job. I don't have money. What is money? What is school? Where is the fucking Kleenex. "I DON'T WANT TO BE OUTSIDE OF TYSON'S! DRIVE MY CAR, ANDREW". We're driving. I can't stop crying. They're mocking me. They're laughing at me. They don't want to be around me. We stop. WHY ARE WE STOPPED ANDREW. Get out of my car, Brittney. Megan why are you being so mean? You guys are so mean. I can't stop crying. We are driving. The cops show up at Tyson's. What are cops? What is life? What is suicide? How can I die? I am too fucked up. STOP THE CAR I'M GOING TO PUKE. My puke is crimson red. Where is the fucking Kleenex? Let's go to the ranch. Let's go under the bridge. WHERE ARE WE GOING. WHY AREN'T WE STOPPING. I want my bed. I want my home. Who is Brendan Toft? What is school? What is a cell phone? I want my bed. I want to cuddle. I'm lonely. Do you like me? Do you want me around? Am I pretty? Am I fat? We go to Shell. Brittney goes to Taylor's. I start to feel better. I feel a lot better. Andrew stops the car and goes home. Megan comes in the front seat. We play the asian song. We talk nonsense for what feels like hours. What is time? What is a clock? Why do I wear make up? I need to finish my make up before we go. Where is my phone? I call Mitch. I talk nonsense. Red got beat up by a cop. People keep walking by and staring. Chase comes up to my car asking for weed. I am laughing really hard. Mariah closes my door. Dumb cunt. I finish my makeup and go to Fas Gas. I have to pee. I cant walk properly. We are fucked up. Megan pees first. I cant stop laughing. I pee next. I cant stop laughing. We stand in line. Were talking to ourselves. Those guys keep looking at us strange. My pupils are huge. We buy two blackstones. We pick up Brittney. We go to the ranch. Brittney and Taylor need to talk. Megan and I are extremely mellow. I am fucked up. She rolls a joint. I dont want anything to do with drugs. I want to be sober. I call Ashley. Brittney asks to stay at my house. I drop Megan off, shes fucked up. We go home. I crawl into bed. I am exhausted. I am changed.

almost crimes

There’s a whore inside their bed
The duvets wish that they were still wet
And all the songs they wrote instead

Your ex-lover is not dead

park that car
drop that phone
sleep on the floor

dream about me

I hate meeting a new person and instantly having feelings for them. Because flaws are invisible when you're blinded by love, right?

I'm perfect to you and you're perfect to me. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?

Too bad you get to know people.

I'm not actually wonderful and I'm waiting for the day you soon find out.


Goodbye, perfect love.

schedule

semester 1:

English 30-1
Biology 30
Math 30 Pure

semester 2:

Physics 30
Math 31
Social 30-2

"the more we know, the less we feel."

I am Jacks sense of insecurity

Sometimes I think I know what I want and other times I'm desperately trying to figure myself out. What I once thought I needed turned out to be something entirely different. Kind of like a side effect of a side effect. Take a break up for example.. with the new single attitude so comes loneliness creeping up behind you, leading you to believe that you still need someone to hold. Opportunities arise yet none feel right.. and the loneliness monster is still at your neck.

that which starts bitter ends sweet, and that which starts sweet ends bitter.